Brittany Canada Whore (hellobrisvegas) wrote in 1bruce1,
Brittany Canada Whore

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SVH TV Episode 1.06: Almost Married

Okay, this is definitely the LAST episode I'm going to recap. I've bombarded you guys with most of the episodes that weren't already recapped (and one that was!), and I think it's time to for me to stop beating this dead horse, fun though it may have been. Besides, I'm out of halfway-decent season one episodes. Not my fault.

So this final episode is actually the sixth in the series, and it's kinda like that SVH book of the same name...only Bruce Patman is not the object of Liz's affections, nor is he involved in the storyline at all. Which is disappointing, because A) Bruce rockz, and B) the book Almost Married is kinda interesting. So really, it's actually nothing like the book except for the title and the fact that Liz and Todd decide to move in together. As for this episode...well, upon second viewing, I've decided that I love it. Really, I do. I'm so glad it's the lucky last one I do. But you're welcome decide for yourselves.

We open on Todd and Liz making out in Todd's Beemer. Klassy, Wakefield. Suddenly they stop, and Todd complains about how it sucks that she has a curfew. Actually, Todd, that's pretty much the only evidence of responsible parenting I've seen all series long, so no, it doesn't suck. And even if she didn't have a curfew, you wouldn't be getting all up in her goody bag anyway, so just go home. Go home, take your nightly cold shower, and wait 'til college. There's a good boy. Liz tells Todd that her parents are going out of town this weekend, so they'll be all alone. Oh God, don't you hate it when something is so ridiculously snarkable, you have absolutely no idea where to start? I'm just going to state the obvious -- NED AND ALICE ARE NEVER FUCKING HOME! -- and leave you to put a clever spin on it. Fine by you guys? Right, let's move on.

Apparently Todd's family is away too. Convenient, yes? Todd's supposed to go stay with his cousins, which he's not pleased about because they polka. Hee! I so want to see Todd polka-ing now. Grab an accordion and join in the fun, Toddles! Also, I can't help but wonder if this entire episode was conceived after one of the writers had just finished watching Home Alone one night. Was John Candy's character not Gus Polinkski, Polka King of the Midwest? I don't know why I'm asking you, because I've seen it enough times to know that yes, yes he was. If Jessica starts conning pizza boys into thinking she's a gangster with a short temper, I'm calling foul on this one. Shall we get back on topic now?

Todd suggests that he come stay with Liz, because he wants to take this opportunity while N&A are away to Get Some. And considering he's a sexually-frustrated teenage boy, I don't really blame him. He convinces Liz that it'll be a good idea by saying he'll sleep on the couch. I hope you're taking notes, boys -- it's just that easy. He actually says, "Don't you trust me?" which is ironic seeing as how Elizabeth, queen of the Cheating Cheaters, is the one I wouldn't trust out of these two. Also, Liz decides maybe Ned and Alice don't need to be in the loop on this one. Are they ever?

At school the next day, Lila is talking to the Man Candy of the Week, Morgan Gethers. Who I don't believe is an actual SVH character from the books, which disappoints me. How hard is it to name a character Ken or AJ or Bill or John? Apparently Lila's promised to take Morgan to see Soundgarden, but she can't get tickets from any of her 'sources'. Which is saying something, because she's Lila fucking Fowler.

Jessica overhears this, and decides that she's going to take Morgan to see Soundgarden instead. Liz points out she doesn't have tickets, but has a little thing like logic ever stopped Jessica from doing anything in the past? I don't think so. She remembers that Winston has tickets, so she asks him politely if she may purchase them from him. Just kidding -- she takes the tickets (which Winston keeps in his shirt pocket even though the concert's not for a couple of days?) and throws the money into his locker. Then she convinces Morgan to come see Soundgarden with her, thereby forcing him to break his date with Lila. Ugh, Jessica. Just go die already.

Didn't we just have a Smug Jess With Tickets screencap?

At home, Todd and Liz make out. Ew. I'm sorry, but Todd/Liz PDA is not what I'd call captivating viewing. Then again, this whole series falls into the 'how did this shit get made?' category, along with that short-lived Bette Midler sitcom and White Chicks. But I digress. (As usual.) Jess comes in and picks up Todd's underwear, and says, "Calvins? Hmm!" I hate thinking like Jessica (because it makes me less human), but why did Todd unpack just his underwear and leave them on the couch? Either Todd's advances are not subtle at all, or they were the ones he'd been wearing and he's actually Hansel from Zoolander 'cause he's still wearing pants. Either way, Todd earns a little bit more of my respect. Oh, and Jess calls Todd and Liz "the king and queen of self-control", which is quite accurate. Maybe you should try it sometime, Jess. Just thinking out loud here.

If I have to sit through it, so do you.

Liz follows Jessica up to her bedroom, where Jessica's busied herself trying to find the perfect concert outfit. She tells Liz that she won't spill the Todd secret to Ned and Alice...if she's allowed to throw a small party tomorrow night. Liz caves pretty easily, so Jess tries her luck and is like, "Can I also have the emergency credit card to buy a slutty dress for said small party?" The Doormat doesn't see anything wrong with this, because Jess promises to return the dress the day after the party and get her money back. One guess what's going to happen to this dress. And also, this is why you don't leave two sixteen-year-olds at home with an 'emergency' credit card. It's not even an emergency credit card, it's a Temptation!Temptation!Temptation! credit card. And when one of your daughters is Jessica Wakefield, you have to know that ain't gonna end the way you want it to.

Unicorn Club callback!

Todd and Liz go to the supermarket to buy stuff for their weekend without the parentals. Now my parents never left me at home for long periods of time when I was a teenager, but isn't that really something they should've done before they left? Just saying. (And I think you Americans call supermarkets 'grocery stores', but since I'm writing this recap, I can call it whatever the hell I want. And I choose 'supermarket'. Because I have that power.)

Here we have the music montage, but before I go ahead and annihilate it with my wit, I have to mention that I was watching South Park the other night where the kids all go to Aspen, and they actually sing a song about how music montages are super imperative to sports films when a crappy athlete has to become a good athlete. It totally made me think of SVH TV, sports film or no sports film. Since this time I've digressed into some sort of black abyss (I knew it was going to happen one day), I think I should find my way out and continue.

The music montage is basically Todd and Liz doing everything you've ever seen in a supermarket music montage before, but it's so awesome I'm going to describe it for you anyway. Todd picks out three different kinds of chips, and Liz makes him put them all back. Then she proceeds to grab a whole lot of yoghurt, and Todd's reaction is so priceless, not screencapping it would be a crime.

I hope that's not Todd's sex face.

The we're-shopping-by-ourselves hilarity does not stop there. Oh no. Liz and Todd go around having adventures in the supermarket for what feels like forever! I know! How fun! They play basketball with one of those bouncy rubber balls I haven't seen since kindergarten, Todd attempts to ride the trolley and it goes crashing into a shelf full of Fig Newtons. (Product placement?) Oh, and Todd grabs a bunch of flowers and attempts to woo Liz with them, but he mistakenly woos a store employee. God, I wish I could be an obnoxious teen again! I watch this show and feel like I wasted my adolescence by doing things like walking calmly through supermarket aisles and not getting almost-raped/abducted/attacked by my doppelganger.

Easy mistake to make, fella.

The fun ends there, I'm afraid. (So does the song.) When paying for their groceries, they comes up a couple of dollars short and have to put something back. (Perhaps they could raid Buzz's room for his life savings, and trash his room in the process?) Of course, they argue about what not to buy. Todd's necessities column consists of chips and a breakfast cereal called Crispy Crunchios, while Liz's is made up of lettuce, a rockmelon and tabouli. Todd snarks back with, "Who needs tabouli?" and I'm inclined to agree. For what possible reason could Liz need tabouli? I've already seen this episode and know for a fact she's not planning on having it for dinner. Maybe I'm biased, because shopping with Todd = shopping with Hellobrisvegas. To a tee. We don't have Crispy Crunchios in Australia (or anywhere, I'd think), but I'd probably be just as protective of them as Todd is.


Todd's prepared a candlelit dinner for his sweetheart. Aww...and also, suspicious. I wonder what your motives are, Wilkins. Todd's making something from a recipe he says he saw on Regis and Kathy Lee (holy dated reference!), and I find myself getting to know Todd just that little bit better. Liz says something along those lines. Oh, and the candles are red -- like the ones Kevin lights for his dinner in Home Alone! I knew it! And they're drinking Coke out of the champagne glasses. Oh, for goodness' sakes! You guys are teenagers, fucking act like it for once! Ned and Alice always screamed 'raging alcoholics who hide it well' to me, so raid their stash and get funky already!

A lot of time passes before Todd actually serves anything up, because they do that classic fade-to-the-candles-getting-shorter thing. Turns out Todd's cooking burgers in the oven, which I suppose is fine, but I'd be more inclined to grill them. Then again, I'm no master chef like Todd. Liz takes a bite, and we can tell by her reaction that they're not good. If any of you are looking for the recipe so you can make the Toddburgers at home, Todd tells us that it's just veal and Crispy Crunchios. Um, ew, Todd. I doubt that recipe is Regis-endorsed. Liz proclaims, "I can't eat this!" really rudely, and I want to hurt her. I mean, there are countless less offensive ways she could've said exactly the same thing without hurting poor Todd's feelings quite as much. Just go eat your tabouli and shut up, Elizabeth.

Todd's impressed himself, though.

Jess, the queen of good timing, chooses this moment to come downstairs and officially kill the mood by switching on the lights. Since the mood was pronounced dead the moment Liz opened her yap and paid out Todd's inventive cooking, it doesn't really matter. Jess sees all the romancin' going on, and tells Liz and Todd not to do anything she wouldn't do. Todd awesomely-upon-awesomely replies, "Not a chance of that now, is there?" while glaring at Liz. Hee! It is a bit sad that Todd thought for one second that he was going to get anywhere near Liz's lovely lady lumps, though. Poor Todd. I'm really feeling for him in this episode.

Liz and Todd decide to watch some TV, but Todd soon gets bored with Liz's romance film or whatever she's watching. He changes it to basketball, where the Lakers are two points down with one minute to go. He gets all excited-like, and Liz is really unimpressed because she doesn't want to watch sports. Oh my God, Liz, shut up. There's a minute to go! Deal with it! It's not like she actually says, "Todd, I was watching insert movie name here, and I'm really interested in it," she just doesn't want to watch sports. Because she's an intellectual, and intellectuals don't watch dumb old basketball games. She gets so mad over this one minute that she storms upstairs, and Todd doesn't even notice. Go, Todd. Stand your ground, son.

Liz ain't happy, sports fans.

Todd wakes up in the middle of the night. (Ladies, in case you're wondering, he sleeps shirtless. Can I get a 'woot' up in heah?) He randomly picks up a basketball, bounces it a couple of times, and then goes to the fridge to drink the milk out of the carton. Which he also does in the next episode, so nice continuity there. Liz goes downstairs and gets all mad at him. Okay, the basketball thing I understand. It is kind-of unnecessary to be doing that at two in the morning. But he only did it a couple of times; she could've ignored it instead of getting up, walking all the way downstairs and taking his ball away. And I'm sorry Todd, but you're not going to get that ball back until you learn to play responsibly. Go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.

Is that a can of whipped cream I spy?

The next day, Jess is talking to Lila about the 'gathering' she's having tonight. She reminds Lila that she only wants it to be a small thing, because she knows Liz will get mad and for some reason Jessica's being really considerate all of a sudden. So not like her. Oh my God, how much would you laugh if this wasn't Jessica but actually Crazy Margo? I would frickin' pay to see that. Anyway, Lila ends the call on her hip nineties cell phone and starts handing out flyers for Jess's party to everyone who walks into the Moon Beach, 'cause LiFo's still mad that Jessica cockblocked her yesterday. Well played, good gentlewoman, well played.

Liz goes downstairs and sees Todd's stuff strewn all over the living room. Oh God, the more this episode progresses, the more of me I see in Todd Wilkins. How can this be? (Another random story: at Year Eight school camp, I won the messiest cabin award. Not my cabin, just me. There were seven other girls in my cabin who all blamed Hurricane Hellobrisvegas for the sorry sight our teachers were exposed to.) Anyway, Todd's looking for the sports section of the newspaper, which Liz said she threw out with the coffee grindings. Um, rude, Liz. How long have you known Todd Wilkins? Did you not think he might want to read that particular section? That's just mean.

Todd says something along those lines (his words are nicer, but his tone is questionable), and Liz actually responds with, "You watched 57 hours of sports yesterday! What score could you possibly not know?" Excuse me, Elizabeth, but may I just point out the obvious here, please? It's generally accepted that there are only 24 hours in any one day, you so-called intellectual, and if pointing that out makes me a little too juvenile, how about this -- TODD WATCHED ONE MINUTE OF BASKETBALL LAST NIGHT! I fucking saw it with my own eyes, you lying bitch! Literally, one minute! You know what else I saw, Elizabeth? Huh? Do you? I saw him come shopping with you. I saw him make dinner for you, which you promptly threw back in his face. I saw him sleeping on the couch so you could remain the high and mighty virgin of the show until the day you die. (Or go to England). That's what I saw! Jesus Christ, I think I just burst a blood vessel in my eye! She makes me so mad! I have to go away and think calm thoughts for a minute.

Okay, I'm back. Apparently Liz and Todd don't talk to each other for an entire day (which is kinda win), because the next scene is Jessica getting ready for her 'gathering'. Her dress is slightly less slutty than I thought it would be -- it's just short and figure-hugging, but no cleavage in sight. Apparently it set her back two hundred bucks, so let's just hope it stays nice and pristine.

Of course, Lila's invited a shitload of people, and it's turning into a bigger party than Jess had hoped for. Somewhat curiously, Lila's managed to invite as many people as she possibly can...but not Bruce, Manny or Patty. Hmm. Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly crying a river over the absence of Manny and Patty, but Bruce? Who doesn't invite Bruce Patman to a party, especially considering he and Lila are pals. (And fraught with sexual tension!) I mean, the Wakefields invited him to tons of parties in the books, and he was too busy cheating on them and raping them to even be considered one of their friends. This makes me mad, mainly because Bruce is awesomeness personified.

There ain't no revenge like Fowler revenge.

Upstairs, Todd tells Liz that he's going to stay at Winston's place tonight, and she thinks that would be a good idea. He mentions something about packing up his stuff, and I have to wonder why he didn't do that before Jess's party started. Even if it was only going to be a small gathering, he's sleeping in the living room. There are fifty-plus kids in there right now, probably manhandling his Calvins. Anyway, E&T start talking about how this wasn't a good idea (I could've told them that!), and Liz tells Todd that he's treated her badly the last couple of days. Oh no she didn't! OH NO SHE DIDN'T! Although the exchange that follows is really worth typing word-for word here:

Liz: "You've treated me horribly all weekend!"
Todd: "Like cooking you a gourmet meal, which you trashed!"
Liz: "Todd, let's not start that again."

And the translation:

Liz: "You watched a minute of basketball last night instead of paying attention to me! That's rude!"
Todd: "I fucking cooked you dinner, which you trashed! Blah blah blah, logic logic logic."
Liz: "I'm losing this argument, so I don't want to talk about it anymore!"

Um, yeah, so there that is. Anyway, Liz and Todd hear the commotion downstairs, and Liz tells Jess (who's carrying a large tray of veggies and dip) to shut the party down. Jess is like, "Bitch, please." She actually asks Liz to leave, saying the party won't be fun with her there. Harsh, but so true. Todd starts walking downstairs, hopefully to Toddpunch someone, just as Winston's doing that chair trick where you jump on the seat of the chair as it's facing you, then push the back of the chair with your other foot and make it fall backwards with you still on it. Those crazy kids. Anyway, Winston does his chair trick, and crashes right into Morgan...who crashes into Lila...who crashes into Todd...who crashes into Jessica...who crashes to the floor. And the dip goes all over her 'loaner' dress. Oopsy daisy!

At least, I hope that's dip.

Jessica tells Todd that it's all his fault, which is so not true in the slightest. Jeez, Todd is getting dumped on something fierce in this episode. Maybe he should angrily stalk up to the third floor and say ominously, "I wish they would aaaall just disappear" while waiting for Fuller to come up and wet the bed. Anyway, Jess's dress is (unsurprisingly) ruined, and when Liz asks what she plans to do about it, Jess is like, "It's totally your fault for giving me the credit card in the first place; this ain't my problem, it's yours." Mean but awesome, Jess. Maybe it's just because Liz is the walking, talking meaning of 'justifiable homicide' in this episode, but Liz ought to suffer more than she does.

Even though Todd and Liz are in a big huge fight, Todd stops to help Liz Hatch a Plan. Yaysies, it's classic SVH TV! It doesn't involve strategically-placed Micro Machines or blowtorches though, which is disappointing. So basically, Jessica gets dressed for the Soundgarden concert, but when she goes to grab her tickets, she can't find them anywhere. Ruh-roh! Todd and Liz are downstairs, and actually count down to the moment where they'll hear Jess scream. They laugh. It's cute. But does the below image remind you of a certain blonde-haired six-year-old who was also left in a parentless house in the nineties? Hmm?

Stop cutting Macaulay Culkin's grass, SVH!

Hold on, I'm a little confused about the timeline here. Todd and Liz are still in the same clothes (and Todd hasn't moved to Winston's), so am I to assume that it's the same night? Jeez, how early was that party/late is this concert? Little continuity details like this drive me absolutely nuts. Kinda like how in the first Home Alone movie Kevin says he's six, but in the second (which is exactly one year later), he tells Dana Ivey that he's eight. It's just slack, and completely avoidable. But I'll stop with the Home Alone fixation now. (Maybe.)

Jess comes downstairs in an absolute tizzy, and Liz calmly explains that she took Jessica's tickets and sold them to pay off her credit card debt. Aw, snap. But jeez, I didn't know Soundgarden tickets were worth that much. (Especially not when the concert's in Sweet Valley.) In fact, I can only think of one person who'd be rich enough (and have enough motive) to pay two hundy for Jess's tickets. The doorbell rings, and sure enough, it's Lila Fowler! BURNED! She's actually taken the time out what is obviously a busy night to gloat to Jess that she now has her tickets and her date. From the limo (to a Soundgarden concert? Sounds like a black eye waiting to happen), Morgan shouts out that he was sorry to hear that Jess had a stomach flu. Which she obviously contracted in the twelve minutes since he saw her at her party. Right.

Lila Fowler always wins.

But wait, does this mean Liz has actually grown some cohones and put Jessica in her place once and for all? Um, no. She tells Jess that she's organised it so that she can go to the concert...with Winston. Way to rule the iron fist, Stalin. And how low is Liz's opinion of Winston that she considers a date with him to be a punishment? That's just mean. Mean, Liz! Quit being so mean to everybody, Meany Meanerson!

Jessica takes one of Winston's tickets (how did he get them if Lila couldn't?) and tells him to sod off in his little orange Beetle, which he does. Mean, Jess! What's with all the meanness in this episode? Liz and Todd tell Jess that she can't just drive to the concert, because the Jeep is out of gas. What a bizarrely elaborate scheme. So Jess runs down the street, screaming, "Kevin! What did you do to my room?!" Ha ha, no. She just runs down the street, hoping to catch up to Winston. Which she won't. Hee!

Winston, why so orange?

Todd and Elizabeth stand on the porch, laughing at her. Then there's a bizarre moment where they look at each other and promptly stop laughing, and it's awkward. I actually really like that they didn't just forget they were fighting, like they always seem to do. (Selective memories are a must-have in Sweet Valley, or they would all surely go mad.) They go inside and agree that maybe moving in together at the ripe old age of sixteen isn't the best of ideas. Oh really? Liz actually says, "I never thought we'd really get on each others' nerves." Are you fucking kidding me? Coming from the most irritating twosome in the history of history? You bloody get on everyone else's nerves, so don't complain when the taste of your own medicine is a tad bitter!

Then Liz gets a bit fresh and suggestively says that they've got the place to themselves right now, and I can't believe that Todd actually puts up with this hot-and-cold crap from her. Just as they start getting handsy, Ned Wakefield calls out, "Kids! We're home!" and totally salts Todd's game. But how impressive -- that almost counts as actual parental presence! Another modern miracle from the gang at SVH TV. Then Ned comes in with Joe Pesci's gold tooth, and is like, "Honey, what's this?" No, really, I'm done now, I swear.

Well, that's it from me for the time being. Until they decide to release the second season, my work here is done. I hope you enjoyed my recaps, because I sure had fun writing them. Stay sexy, [info]1bruce1! Peace.
Tags: doormat syndrome, party!, recapper: hellobrisvegas, saint elizabeth of sweet valley, scheming jessica, trusty boyfriend todd, tv show, tv show recap

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  • SVJH #29 - He's the One

    I want to say that I dug this book out of a box in my closet or something, but it was actually sitting right on my bookshelf, along with the rest of…

  • SVJH #26 - No More Mr. Nice Guy

    We return to Sweet Valley Jr. High with a thrilling tale about Brian and Kristin's relationship problems! I'm sure you care so much. For those of…

  • SVH TV Episode 4.09: West Coast Story (Part 1)

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