Okay, this is definitely the LAST episode I'm going to recap. I've bombarded you guys with most of the episodes that weren't already recapped (and one that was!), and I think it's time to for me to stop beating this dead horse, fun though it may have been. Besides, I'm out of halfway-decent season one episodes. Not my fault.
We open on Todd and Liz making out in Todd's Beemer. Klassy, Wakefield. Suddenly they stop, and Todd complains about how it sucks that she has a curfew. Actually, Todd, that's pretty much the only evidence of responsible parenting I've seen all series long, so no, it doesn't suck. And even if she didn't have a curfew, you wouldn't be getting all up in her goody bag anyway, so just go home. Go home, take your nightly cold shower, and wait 'til college. There's a good boy. Liz tells Todd that her parents are going out of town this weekend, so they'll be all alone. Oh God, don't you hate it when something is so ridiculously snarkable, you have absolutely no idea where to start? I'm just going to state the obvious -- NED AND ALICE ARE NEVER FUCKING HOME! -- and leave you to put a clever spin on it. Fine by you guys? Right, let's move on.
So this final episode is actually the sixth in the series, and it's kinda like that SVH book of the same name...only Bruce Patman is not the object of Liz's affections, nor is he involved in the storyline at all. Which is disappointing, because A) Bruce rockz, and B) the book Almost Married is kinda interesting. So really, it's actually nothing like the book except for the title and the fact that Liz and Todd decide to move in together. As for this episode...well, upon second viewing, I've decided that I love it. Really, I do. I'm so glad it's the lucky last one I do. But you're welcome decide for yourselves.
Apparently Todd's family is away too. Convenient, yes? Todd's supposed to go stay with his cousins, which he's not pleased about because they polka. Hee! I so want to see Todd polka-ing now. Grab an accordion and join in the fun, Toddles! Also, I can't help but wonder if this entire episode was conceived after one of the writers had just finished watching Home Alone one night. Was John Candy's character not Gus Polinkski, Polka King of the Midwest? I don't know why I'm asking you, because I've seen it enough times to know that yes, yes he was. If Jessica starts conning pizza boys into thinking she's a gangster with a short temper, I'm calling foul on this one. Shall we get back on topic now?
Todd suggests that he come stay with Liz, because he wants to take this opportunity while N&A are away to Get Some. And considering he's a sexually-frustrated teenage boy, I don't really blame him. He convinces Liz that it'll be a good idea by saying he'll sleep on the couch. I hope you're taking notes, boys -- it's just that easy. He actually says, "Don't you trust me?" which is ironic seeing as how Elizabeth, queen of the Cheating Cheaters, is the one I wouldn't trust out of these two. Also, Liz decides maybe Ned and Alice don't need to be in the loop on this one. Are they ever?
At school the next day, Lila is talking to the Man Candy of the Week, Morgan Gethers. Who I don't believe is an actual SVH character from the books, which disappoints me. How hard is it to name a character Ken or AJ or Bill
Jessica overhears this, and decides that she's going to take Morgan to see Soundgarden instead. Liz points out she doesn't have tickets, but has a little thing like logic ever stopped Jessica from doing anything in the past? I don't think so. She remembers that Winston has tickets, so she asks him politely if she may purchase them from him. Just kidding -- she takes the tickets (which Winston keeps in his shirt pocket even though the concert's not for a couple of days?) and throws the money into his locker. Then she convinces Morgan to come see Soundgarden with her, thereby forcing him to break his date with Lila. Ugh, Jessica. Just go die already.
Todd and Liz go to the supermarket to buy stuff for their weekend without the parentals. Now my parents never left me at home for long periods of time when I was a teenager, but isn't that really something they should've done before they left? Just saying. (And I think you Americans call supermarkets 'grocery stores', but since I'm writing this recap, I can call it whatever the hell I want. And I choose 'supermarket'. Because I have that power.)
Here we have the music montage, but before I go ahead and annihilate it with my wit, I have to mention that I was watching South Park the other night where the kids all go to Aspen, and they actually sing a song about how music montages are super imperative to sports films when a crappy athlete has to become a good athlete. It totally made me think of SVH TV, sports film or no sports film. Since this time I've digressed into some sort of black abyss (I knew it was going to happen one day), I think I should find my way out and continue.
The music montage is basically Todd and Liz doing everything you've ever seen in a supermarket music montage before, but it's so awesome I'm going to describe it for you anyway. Todd picks out three different kinds of chips, and Liz makes him put them all back. Then she proceeds to grab a whole lot of yoghurt, and Todd's reaction is so priceless, not screencapping it would be a crime.
The we're-shopping-by-ourselves hilarity does not stop there. Oh no. Liz and Todd go around having adventures in the supermarket for what feels like forever! I know! How fun! They play basketball with one of those bouncy rubber balls I haven't seen since kindergarten, Todd attempts to ride the trolley and it goes crashing into a shelf full of Fig Newtons. (Product placement?) Oh, and Todd grabs a bunch of flowers and attempts to woo Liz with them, but he mistakenly woos a store employee. God, I wish I could be an obnoxious teen again! I watch this show and feel like I wasted my adolescence by doing things like walking calmly through supermarket aisles and not getting almost-raped/abducted/attacked by my doppelganger.
The fun ends there, I'm afraid. (So does the song.) When paying for their groceries, they comes up a couple of dollars short and have to put something back. (Perhaps they could raid Buzz's room for his life savings, and trash his room in the process?) Of course, they argue about what not to buy. Todd's necessities column consists of chips and a breakfast cereal called Crispy Crunchios, while Liz's is made up of lettuce, a rockmelon and tabouli. Todd snarks back with, "Who needs tabouli?" and I'm inclined to agree. For what possible reason could Liz need tabouli? I've already seen this episode and know for a fact she's not planning on having it for dinner. Maybe I'm biased, because shopping with Todd = shopping with Hellobrisvegas. To a tee. We don't have Crispy Crunchios in Australia (or anywhere, I'd think), but I'd probably be just as protective of them as Todd is.
A lot of time passes before Todd actually serves anything up, because they do that classic fade-to-the-candles-getting-shorter thing. Turns out Todd's cooking burgers in the oven, which I suppose is fine, but I'd be more inclined to grill them. Then again, I'm no master chef like Todd. Liz takes a bite, and we can tell by her reaction that they're not good. If any of you are looking for the recipe so you can make the Toddburgers at home, Todd tells us that it's just veal and Crispy Crunchios. Um, ew, Todd. I doubt that recipe is Regis-endorsed. Liz proclaims, "I can't eat this!" really rudely, and I want to hurt her. I mean, there are countless less offensive ways she could've said exactly the same thing without hurting poor Todd's feelings quite as much. Just go eat your tabouli and shut up, Elizabeth.
Liz and Todd decide to watch some TV, but Todd soon gets bored with Liz's romance film or whatever she's watching. He changes it to basketball, where the Lakers are two points down with one minute to go. He gets all excited-like, and Liz is really unimpressed because she doesn't want to watch sports. Oh my God, Liz, shut up. There's a minute to go! Deal with it! It's not like she actually says, "Todd, I was watching insert movie name here, and I'm really interested in it," she just doesn't want to watch sports. Because she's an intellectual, and intellectuals don't watch dumb old basketball games. She gets so mad over this one minute that she storms upstairs, and Todd doesn't even notice. Go, Todd. Stand your ground, son.
Liz goes downstairs and sees Todd's stuff strewn all over the living room. Oh God, the more this episode progresses, the more of me I see in Todd Wilkins. How can this be? (Another random story: at Year Eight school camp, I won the messiest cabin award. Not my cabin, just me. There were seven other girls in my cabin who all blamed Hurricane Hellobrisvegas for the sorry sight our teachers were exposed to.) Anyway, Todd's looking for the sports section of the newspaper, which Liz said she threw out with the coffee grindings. Um, rude, Liz. How long have you known Todd Wilkins? Did you not think he might want to read that particular section? That's just mean.
Todd says something along those lines (his words are nicer, but his tone is questionable), and Liz actually responds with, "You watched 57 hours of sports yesterday! What score could you possibly not know?" Excuse me, Elizabeth, but may I just point out the obvious here, please? It's generally accepted that there are only 24 hours in any one day, you so-called intellectual, and if pointing that out makes me a little too juvenile, how about this -- TODD WATCHED ONE MINUTE OF BASKETBALL LAST NIGHT! I fucking saw it with my own eyes, you lying bitch! Literally, one minute! You know what else I saw, Elizabeth? Huh? Do you? I saw him come shopping with you. I saw him make dinner for you, which you promptly threw back in his face. I saw him sleeping on the couch so you could remain the high and mighty virgin of the show until the day you die. (Or go to England). That's what I saw! Jesus Christ, I think I just burst a blood vessel in my eye! She makes me so mad! I have to go away and think calm thoughts for a minute.
Okay, I'm back. Apparently Liz and Todd don't talk to each other for an entire day (which is kinda win), because the next scene is Jessica getting ready for her 'gathering'. Her dress is slightly less slutty than I thought it would be -- it's just short and figure-hugging, but no cleavage in sight. Apparently it set her back two hundred bucks, so let's just hope it stays nice and pristine.
Of course, Lila's invited a shitload of people, and it's turning into a bigger party than Jess had hoped for. Somewhat curiously, Lila's managed to invite as many people as she possibly can...but not Bruce, Manny or Patty. Hmm. Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly crying a river over the absence of Manny and Patty, but Bruce? Who doesn't invite Bruce Patman to a party, especially considering he and Lila are pals. (And fraught with sexual tension!) I mean, the Wakefields invited him to tons of parties in the books, and he was too busy cheating on them and raping them to even be considered one of their friends. This makes me mad, mainly because Bruce is awesomeness personified.
Upstairs, Todd tells Liz that he's going to stay at Winston's place tonight, and she thinks that would be a good idea. He mentions something about packing up his stuff, and I have to wonder why he didn't do that before Jess's party started. Even if it was only going to be a small gathering, he's sleeping in the living room. There are fifty-plus kids in there right now, probably manhandling his Calvins. Anyway, E&T start talking about how this wasn't a good idea (I could've told them that!), and Liz tells Todd that he's treated her badly the last couple of days. Oh no she didn't! OH NO SHE DIDN'T! Although the exchange that follows is really worth typing word-for word here:
Liz: "You've treated me horribly all weekend!"
Todd: "Like cooking you a gourmet meal, which you trashed!"
Liz: "Todd, let's not start that again."
Liz: "You watched a minute of basketball last night instead of paying attention to me! That's rude!"
Todd: "I fucking cooked you dinner, which you trashed! Blah blah blah, logic logic logic."
Liz: "I'm losing this argument, so I don't want to talk about it anymore!"
Even though Todd and Liz are in a big huge fight, Todd stops to help Liz Hatch a Plan. Yaysies, it's classic SVH TV! It doesn't involve strategically-placed Micro Machines or blowtorches though, which is disappointing. So basically, Jessica gets dressed for the Soundgarden concert, but when she goes to grab her tickets, she can't find them anywhere. Ruh-roh! Todd and Liz are downstairs, and actually count down to the moment where they'll hear Jess scream. They laugh. It's cute. But does the below image remind you of a certain blonde-haired six-year-old who was also left in a parentless house in the nineties? Hmm?
Hold on, I'm a little confused about the timeline here. Todd and Liz are still in the same clothes (and Todd hasn't moved to Winston's), so am I to assume that it's the same night? Jeez, how early was that party/late is this concert? Little continuity details like this drive me absolutely nuts. Kinda like how in the first Home Alone movie Kevin says he's six, but in the second (which is exactly one year later), he tells Dana Ivey that he's eight. It's just slack, and completely avoidable. But I'll stop with the Home Alone fixation now. (Maybe.)
Jess comes downstairs in an absolute tizzy, and Liz calmly explains that she took Jessica's tickets and sold them to pay off her credit card debt. Aw, snap. But jeez, I didn't know Soundgarden tickets were worth that much. (Especially not when the concert's in Sweet Valley.) In fact, I can only think of one person who'd be rich enough (and have enough motive) to pay two hundy for Jess's tickets. The doorbell rings, and sure enough, it's Lila Fowler! BURNED! She's actually taken the time out what is obviously a busy night to gloat to Jess that she now has her tickets and her date. From the limo (to a Soundgarden concert? Sounds like a black eye waiting to happen), Morgan shouts out that he was sorry to hear that Jess had a stomach flu. Which she obviously contracted in the twelve minutes since he saw her at her party. Right.
Jessica takes one of Winston's tickets (how did he get them if Lila couldn't?) and tells him to sod off in his little orange Beetle, which he does. Mean, Jess! What's with all the meanness in this episode? Liz and Todd tell Jess that she can't just drive to the concert, because the Jeep is out of gas. What a bizarrely elaborate scheme. So Jess runs down the street, screaming, "Kevin! What did you do to my room?!" Ha ha, no. She just runs down the street, hoping to catch up to Winston. Which she won't. Hee!
But wait, does this mean Liz has actually grown some cohones and put Jessica in her place once and for all? Um, no. She tells Jess that she's organised it so that she can go to the concert...with Winston. Way to rule the iron fist, Stalin. And how low is Liz's opinion of Winston that she considers a date with him to be a punishment? That's just mean. Mean, Liz! Quit being so mean to everybody, Meany Meanerson!
Then Liz gets a bit fresh and suggestively says that they've got the place to themselves right now, and I can't believe that Todd actually puts up with this hot-and-cold crap from her. Just as they start getting handsy, Ned Wakefield calls out, "Kids! We're home!" and totally salts Todd's game. But how impressive -- that almost counts as actual parental presence! Another modern miracle from the gang at SVH TV. Then Ned comes in with Joe Pesci's gold tooth, and is like, "Honey, what's this?" No, really, I'm done now, I swear.
Todd and Elizabeth stand on the porch, laughing at her. Then there's a bizarre moment where they look at each other and promptly stop laughing, and it's awkward. I actually really like that they didn't just forget they were fighting, like they always seem to do. (Selective memories are a must-have in Sweet Valley, or they would all surely go mad.) They go inside and agree that maybe moving in together at the ripe old age of sixteen isn't the best of ideas. Oh really? Liz actually says, "I never thought we'd really get on each others' nerves." Are you fucking kidding me? Coming from the most irritating twosome in the history of history? You bloody get on everyone else's nerves, so don't complain when the taste of your own medicine is a tad bitter!
Well, that's it from me for the time being. Until they decide to release the second season, my work here is done. I hope you enjoyed my recaps, because I sure had fun writing them. Stay sexy, 1bruce1! Peace.