alive isn't sad // it is when it's over (dramaturgy) wrote in 1bruce1,
alive isn't sad // it is when it's over

Okay. So I was cleaning out my bedroom because the fact is that I am now back at home after graduating college (\o/) and if I am going to live in my bedroom, I need room for my stuff. And I have a lot of books. So I've decided to get rid of my Baby-sitters Club/Little Sister/Sweet Valley/Goosebumps books, and I was chuckling at all the crazy stuff I found on the shelf. But then I found the Best Thing Ever.

Okay, does anyone remember the dolls made? (Seen here, if you do not.) Well, I definitely had both. And you see those little books in the boxes with them?

Yes. I still have mine.

Aptly titled "Jessica's Story" and "Elizabeth's Story," the two are short stories featuring wacky situations the twins get themselves into. They're roughly twelve pages each, and I have decided to cap them for your snarking pleasure. Because why clean your room when you can snark on the internet.

So we start at the Sweet Valley Mall on the Thursday before school begins (their junior year. again.) Neither of them can believe it, and frankly, neither can I. Liz bought some new notebooks and Jessica bought some new earrings. I think this says a lot about both of them. Jessica says she can't wait for school to start and cites boredom, and Liz is aghast. How can you be bored in Sweet Valley? It's PERFECT.

Yes. Perfect. Weather is perfect except for when it's plot important or required for mood purposes, and they can't even do gang warfare properly. I would shoot myself.

Blah blah blah, the twins are indentical but very different, blah blah blah, okay, talking about clothes. Jessica is stopped in her tracks by an outfit in the window of Lisette's. "The perfect outfit for the first day of school," she says. Now wait for it... "She pointed to a mannequin in Lisette's window. The mannequin was wearing a lime-gren miniskirt with a matching green and purple top. A black satin baseball cap sat on the mannequin's head." Jessica adds that the black vest she bought at a flea market last week matches it perfectly. If you need a visual, it's the outfit that the doll in the box is wearing. As for the outfit itself... hey, it was the 90s.

She tries on the outfit, of course it fits like a glove. But alas, the whole outfit together costs more money than she has! OH THE HUMANITY. So what does she do? If you guessed she has Liz create a distraction so she can run out the door fully clothed... well, you're wrong but if these weren't cheap little promotional booklets that came with cheap dolls, then you'd probably be right. Seeing as she's Jessica. What happens is that the twins get home, Jessica goes to work. She sets the table with the fancy china (I don't even know where we keep ours), folds the napkins, puts flowers from the porch on the table, and - here's the kicker that will surely set her over the top - puts a lemon slice in everyone's water.

Then my favorite part: Alice tells Elizabeth that everything looks wonderful. Because "Usually, Elizabeth did her chores and Jessica's too." I will never understand how Liz can be so nosy and pushy with everyone else but a complete doormat when it comes to her sister. But don't worry, Steven has the measure of the situation. He said, "Jessica set the table? I wonder what she wants." Alice, naive, simple Alice, is willing to give her daughter the benefit of the doubt and say that she just wants to help out.

So at the dinner table, it begins. Jessica does what every self-respecting teenaged girl does when she needs money for clothing: she asks her parents. Ned, in a stunning show of parenthood, tells her no. Alice laughs (why, I'm not sure, there's nothing particularly funny going on... makes me wonder if she's on drugs) and says that she has plenty of clothes and if she wants money for clothes, she's going to have to earn it.

After dinner Jessica, despondent and delirious (she imagines herself "walking down the front hall, wearing the green miniskirt while everyone turned to admire her and a group of ninth-grade girls started to applaud." wtf? who does this?) lays on her bed wondering how she's going to get that money. Then Liz comes in and asks Jessica to help her clean the jeep (okay, she asks her if she wants to help, which is not the same thing. I have learned a long time ago if you want help cleaning something you don't ask if they want to help, you just ask), and by god, she's got it! She will wash cars for her money! So Elizabeth goes to wash the jeep and Jessica makes signs. The next morning she hangs them up and prepares for the "Quality Car Wash" in the Wakefields' driveway. I don't know about you guys, but only in Sweet Valley does this sort of thing seem to work. Liz comes out to wait for Todd because they're going to the beach (I'm imagining one of those B beach movies, like the band is making in That Thing You Do), and reminds Jessica to change her clothes. Jessica is wearing white shorts and a pink t-shirt, and says that she wants to look nice for her customers. She has obviously never washed a car in her life.

So Liz leaves to have a swell day at the beach with TBT, and Jess's first customer arrives: an elderly woman with a car that looks like it hasn't been washed "since 1959." Which is hyperbole, I'm sure. Jess finishes in an hour with a wash and a wax, and gets her five bucks. After, she is dirty, sweaty, unkempt, and if my experience with car washing is any indication, is probably pretty wet. She drives away, and who should drive up but 1BRUCE1 and his driver, Bruce Patman himself. Jessica, apparently forgetting she's running a car wash here, thinks, "Bruce could be here only for one of two reasons... Either he wants to take me out to dinner, or he wants to take me out to the movies."

Bruce says he has a date tonight and the car needs to be spotless, and he'll be back in an hour. LOL.

Jessica kicked 1BRUCE1 out of embarrassment (Poor 1BRUCE1 ;_;) and then gets to it. She washes the car, but does it as quickly as possible and doesn't do a good job... she doesn't want Bruce's date to be to impressed. (Oh Jessica, you are a piece of work.) These are her only two customers all day, and she needs nine more customers tomorrow. She is DETERMINED, I will give her that. So Saturday morning she washes five more cars, and on the fifth one she begins to soak it down without checking to make sure the windows are up first. HAHA, I love it. That's the sort of things that wacky hijinks are made of. Alas, we are denied details. So as not to draw out the suspense, Jessica earns enough money. Yay! So on Sunday she gets up early, buses to the mall (yes, takes the bus, you heard me), and goes directly to Lisette's... but the outfit is gone! The saleswoman says they sold the last one yesterday, and then Jessica eats her head.

Well, not really, but wouldn't it have been cool if she had?

She goes home, again dejected and woeful, and lays down on her bed and cries into her pillow, and falls asleep again. She wakes up later that morning and - gasp! The outfit was lying next to her on the bed! Liz had tracked down the person who had bought it using her detective skills, killed them, hid the body, and delivered the outfit to her sister. Again, not really, but imagine if it had. Instead, Liz had bought the outfit using money she had earned during the summer. Jeez, what a pushover. The ending proclaims, "Will Jessica be a big hit on the first day of school? Will she get even with Bruce Patman? YOU DECIDE!" I am not even joking. That's what it says.

What a bust.

So Liz's story starts out near midnight on a Saturday and she's just coming in from a date with Todd. Alice asks her how the movie was. Wait. Back it up a little. So if it's almost midnight, you figure most movies are about two hours long... did they go to an early show and engage in a little hanky panky? Did they have a Very Long Dinner? I have no idea, and it doesn't seem to be our main concern. She hops up the stairs to Jessica's room, where Jess starts a conversation about, what else, herself. Cue the discussion about blonde hair, eyes the color of the Pacific Ocean, blah blah blah. They act differently, etc. FINALLY Jess comments on Liz. "What are you wearing?" she asks.

Well. Liz is wearing Todd's ~*letter jacket*~. She looks cute in the jacket because it's too big for her. (I always just look sloppy when I wear clothing too big for me.) But Liz didn't steal it, sociopathic behavior is strictly her sister's domain. Todd gave it to her, and when a boy gives a girl his letter jacket at SVH it's Serious Business. It means that they won't date anyone else (this week). Jessica waves it off, but Liz knows that she's just jealous, because no boy had ever given Jessica his letter jacket. "Jessica never gave them a chance. She dated a new boy every week."

Granted, she has to because they die. But I digress.

So moving on. The next day, Liz is home after school making herself a sammich, and Jess returns home and tirades at Liz about how she had an AWFUL day because all everyone can talk about is how Todd gave his jacket to Liz and she is SICK OF IT *STOMP STOMP POUT*. Instead of telling her sister to grow up, Liz placates her with the idea that everyone will forget about it once something else happens. Jess leaves the kitchen saying, "Well, I hope that something else happens tomorrow. Tomorrow - in the morning." Egads, could Jessica be planning something? Yes. It could be.

So Liz is picked up by Enid on the way to school, because Jess has to go in early for cheerleading or to put her evil plan into motion or something. Enid comments on how Liz is not wearing the jacket, and that is because she cannot find it. Can you see the pieces falling into place? If you can't, go read some more recaps. Because you obviously don't know Jessica as well as you thought you did. So they meet Julie Porter and Olivia Davidson who act as though Liz is the weird one. When Liz goes into first period English class with Mr. Collins (*puts on Marvin Gaye*), he swears he just saw her go the other way. Suddenly, the pieces come together for Liz, although she's not really sure what her sister is planning, she knows how she's doing it.

So what does Liz do? She waits for Jessica in her room after school. Like a serial killer. When Jess comes home, Liz demands her jacket back, but Jess says she doesn't have it anymore. She borrowed the jacket because it looked great with her new jeans (call me a moron, but doesn't everything pretty much go with jeans? Isn't that the point of jeans?) and she was talking to Aaron Dallas before class and he gave her a kiss, but Todd saw and thinking that she was Liz, demanded the jacket back. She tried to explain, but Todd refused to listen. Liz flops back on the bed and says, "What a mess!" This shit is so PG. I would be swearing up a storm. Fuck this, fuck that, fuck you, all of that. So Liz jumps up, dials the phone, and makes Jessica speak to Todd. Jessica plays it up like it was her decision to apologize, and when Liz and Todd speak, they make up. Aw. Even if they are dysfunctional beyond belief sometimes and Todd likes to punch things, they are still my Sweet Valley OTP.

So Jess blows it off since things are better, but Liz is still mad. She wants to get back at Jess! She needs a plan, "the sneakier, the better."

Dream on Liz. The closing to this one says, "What will Elizabeth do to get even with Jessica? Will the twins make up? YOU DECIDE!"


With all that said, what did happen do you think? :P
Tags: aaron dallas, major continuity errors, merchandise, mr. collins if you're nasty, recapper: dramaturgy, saint elizabeth of sweet valley, scheming jessica, sweet valley high, trusty boyfriend todd

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