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Elizabeth and Jessica are better than you.

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[sticky post] Admin: Recap List [Jan. 22nd, 2013|09:56 pm]

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I would like to find a new place to host the list of completed recaps because ours is now too long for LiveJournal, and we can't add to it. I was making additions on the website for a time, but that's gone now too.

Books that have not been recapped are just numbers, have not been done (To save space, since LJ has a limit, I removed the TV and misc recaps--they can still be found in our profile--and I have stopped linking additional recaps of the same books.)

Please let me know if I am missing any recaps you've done or read!

Below the CutCollapse )
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SVU #50: Summer of Love [Feb. 12th, 2013|02:30 pm]

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[Current Music |"One Way Or Another" -- Blondie]

Truth be told, I went to retrieve this book from my local op shop for one reason and one reason only: I had to know how the ghostwriter was going to sum up the, er, events of the last book. I mean, Tom showed his undercarriage to a stadium full of unsuspecting Chicagoans, and I could simply not live another day without knowing how they were going to explain what they made him do. Spoiler: they don't explain, at all. Instead of rehashing all the crazy shit Tom did last time, they decided to just make him do more crazy shit in this one.

The thing that really pushed me over the edge is the blurb for the C plot: "Tom Watts and Todd Wilkins -- best buddies? Absolutely!" Read into that: Tom and Todd, the untapped comedy resource of the century, will be buddy-vibin' again in this book! Sold, Francine. Sold.

summer of love

That's Liz and (presumably) Sam frolicking up there on the cover. Bonus fact: I Googled Sam's Secret Love Diary to see whether or not they used the same cover model for both, and noticed in the image search that the picture they use for Jessica on her Love Diary is from this shoot. Having recapped a ridiculous amount of TV episodes, I'm an expert at telling the Daniel twins apart (also, they're not identical), and I've no doubt that it's Cynthia Daniel up there...which means that they put a picture of Elizabeth on the front cover of Jessica's Love Diary. Talk about a spotlight-hog.

Bonus fact #2: I went to the 1bruce1 recap of Jessica's Secret Love Diary to see if anyone else noticed, and apparently this is information I already knew:


Weird. The Ghost of Hellobrisvegas Past would be terribly upset that I don't listen when she talks. Or even types.

Tom Watts, we hardly knew ye.Collapse )

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SVU #49: Stranded [Jan. 31st, 2013|10:49 pm]

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[Current Music |'Hitching A Ride' -- Vanity Fare]

So this book is the second in the Road Trip miniseries, which sees the Wakefields join an Amazing Race-style televised competition across America in Winnebagos full of college students from all corners of the country. This is the miniseries that introduces us to Liz's new love interest/worst enemy Sam Burgess, and also Jessica's fabulous gay best friend, Neil Martin.


A very important note: the first book is tedious. (But the recap is masterful.) The first chapter of this book is also tedious. Then, out of nowhere, it gets uncharacteristically awesome. There is hardly any plot to speak of, but somehow hilarity well and truly ensues...and not to spoil anything for you, but for that we can thank Elvis Presley and two young gentlemen with the initials T.W.


Fun game: see if you can guess in which famous landmark Jessica has sex.Collapse )

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SVH TV Episode 3.20: Crimes and Cappuccinos [Dec. 12th, 2012|05:34 pm]

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[Current Music |Bob Dylan -- "One More Cup Of Coffee"]

100% brutal honesty: this post happened by accident. It happened because I got drunk with some friends and we watched The Breakfast Club. Watching The Breakfast Club (which takes place almost entirely in a school library) made me think of that One Tree Hill episode where Jimmy shot up the school and Peyton and Lucas hid in the library. Thinking of that made me think of the rest of the episode, including what went on in the tutor centre, which made me think of Danneel Harris...

The one who got beat down by pregnant Haley, yes.

...but; for the life of me, I could not remember the name of the character she played. I literally have six seasons of that damned show on DVD, but couldn't remember that stupid redheaded cheerleader's name. So I Googled it, and it turns out that Danneel Harris is now known as Danneel Ackles. And I know what you're thinking; and you're bang on the money -- Danneel Harris is legit married to Jensen Ackles. Who was recently (recently in this case meaning twenty years ago) in an episode of Sweet Valley High. That I of course recapped, because I am a person who recaps episodes of Sweet Valley High.

And so in a very meta way, I decided to acknowledge the coincidence and write a recap that has nothing to do with The Breakfast Club or Danneel Harris/Ackles simply because of that tenuous link. Because tenuous links to pop culture (and, indeed, reality) are exactly what this TV show is about. Let's move on, before we get way, waaaay too meta and our heads explode.

And Lila gets kidnapped! Probably should have mentioned that earlier...Collapse )


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SVH Super Edition: Winter Carnival [Dec. 7th, 2011|09:40 pm]

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[Current Music |"Blue Christmas" -- Johnny Cash]

I've had this book for years but have never read it for some reason. I actually brought it to work with me, because Tuesdays are a particularly slow day where I work, and I have this nice little plan to start a classic novel every Tuesday. At some point, it went from "classic novel" to "just any book" to "pages with words on them," so that's how I ended up reading Winter Carnival.

Won't lie -- the title of this book is so misleading. Truly. I'm pretty sure it's the least winter-carnivally book to ever bear the title 'Winter Carnival.'

Despite the promising cover art, at no point do the twins ski OR skate.Collapse )
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SVH TV Episode 3.12: Lofty Ambitions [Jun. 18th, 2011|11:17 pm]

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[Current Music |"I Just Want The Girl In The Blue Dress To Keep On Dancing" -- Mike Doughty]

And we're back again with another delightful instalment of season three Sweet Valley fun. Since some braniac decided that these episodes wouldn't be as self-contained as the first two seasons, here's some catch-up: last week, Jessica met the bastardised TV version of AJ Morgan (played by Power Rangers star Jason David Frank) and discovered that she can't quite wrap him around her little finger like all the other men in Sweet Valley.

Before we get into it, I have something I'd like to share with you to get you into the Jason David Frank spirit. Here's an interview with him in his White Ranger days in one of my favourite childhood magazines, Disney Adventures -- the very same magazine that declares our favourite book series to be 'unkewl' in their coveted Ins & Outs section.(Please don't ask me where I find this stuff.) Super rude, Stonewall Middle School. Also worth noting, JDF mentions in that interview with (presumably) a straight face that he thinks that the Power Rangers movie should win an Oscar, despite the seemingly obvious handicap of it being the damn Power Rangers movie. Now, the original Ninja Turtles movie? That's a horse of a different colour.

Now to this week's episode. And you guys, this episode. How do I even begin to describe this insanely hilarious episode? Let's just say that Jessica becomes a doormat of Elizabeth proportions, Enid becomes a raging lunatic of Todd proportions, and Winston becomes a prankster of season one Bruce Patman proportions. We've got it all here tonight, folks.


Also, Lila holds an egg for 3/4 of her screen time.Collapse )
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The Unicorn Club #6: Unicorns at War [May. 10th, 2011|11:29 pm]

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Before I begin, I just want to say that I wrote most of this recap over two years ago, around the time of the last US presidential election, but for various reasons never posted it. These jokes are vintage 2008, ladies! (Who knew that Sarah Palin jokes wouldn't stand the test of time?)

CoverCollapse )

Explanation: From left to right, we have Lila, Jessica, Mary (on the poster), Maria, and Liz. This book is all about student elections - and while Liz and Maria are Team Mary, Jess and Lila are Team Kimberly, which explains why the girls are glaring at each other.

Observations: This book is ostensibly not about the Wakefields. Nevertheless, it is Jessica to whom the eye is drawn immediately. Much like renderings of Jesus in Medieval paintings, she is the tallest character present and, by inference, the most important. Moral: You can write books about other Sweet Valley characters, but those Wakefield twins will always crawl their way back to centre stage.

Read on!Collapse )
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SVHSY Three Girls and A Guy [Apr. 12th, 2011|02:42 pm]

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[Current Location |United States, Littleton, W Powers Pl, 343]
[Current Mood |peacefulpeaceful]
[Current Music |Motion City Soundtrack]

This is number 16 in the SVHSY Series- Why is everyone wearing something on their heads in this picture. The bluish tint is annoying, it reminds me of the first Twilight film. I wonder if Liz will discover that Conner is really a sparkly vampire!

The A Plot
Liz and Conner are happily dating. Which is interesting since Conner, Mr. Emo McAngsty Pants, likes to Love Em and Leave Em. It's interesting to him and to Tia since Tia's all lonely now that Angel dumped her for cheating on him with Trent. I guess Angel's the I don't take shit kinda guy. Moving on. But the problem is, Liz is Miss Busybody (literally this time), if she's not busy with home work or working at Sedona, the make-up store at the mall, she's working on the Oracle. I'm wondering if Sedona is a cheaper version of Sephora? Whatever. The problem is, that Liz doesn't have time to dedicate solely to Conner which makes him a sad panda. Wah.

Read more...Collapse )
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SVH TV Episode 3.02: Shred Reckoning [Sep. 21st, 2010|05:28 pm]

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[Current Music |"Let's Pretend It Didn't Happen" -- Mike and the Mechanics]

Okay, so this episode? DID NOT HAPPEN. No, it didn't. It didn't. Look, I even tabled it for you:

See? That's, like, science. Are you gonna argue with science? Didn't think so.


This lj cut also didn't happen.Collapse )


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Sweet Valley High #1: Double Love (Originally made in 2008) [Aug. 18th, 2010|02:42 pm]

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[Current Location |Sydney, Australia]
[Current Mood |amusedamused]
[Current Music |I Drive Myself Crazy- 'N Sync (I'm laughing so hard)]

As a young child, OK, in 2008, when I was in seventh grade, I wrote THE SWEET VALLEY SNARK DIARIES. I was reading the SVH series at the time and I figured, now is a good time to express the feelings I have about this series. Yes, since I had never heard of LJ at the time, I used good old fashioned pen and paper to write about Sweet Valley High. I had lost the journal later that year, but we were reunited last week, when I helped my younger brother, the "Ape", as he told me to call him, clean his room that was mine, until my sister left for college and I moved into her attic apartment, we found the Snark Diaries, in the back of his closet. "That isn't mine, I swear," he shouted when he saw how pink and sparkly it was. "I know," I replied. "It's mine." "Oh."
And now, here on 1bruce1, I'm posting my old thoughts on Double Love. Yes, I'll be snarking my old snark. I'm sure this has something to do with the Yes, We Can movement. Yes, we can doubly snark something! So, anyway, on to the actual post (mods, feel free to delete this if this is more of a rant than a recap).

Book No.: Numero Uno

SVSD name: Jessica is Evil

Okay, I love Sweet Valley. I'm also young and naive enough... yeah right. Jessica's on the speed lane, but I'm not silly

enough to believe Elizabeth is perfect. But this recap will probably make it seem that way but so what!

Anyway, Jessica and Elizabeth are getting ready for school and Jessica is being a total crybaby upset because she thinks she isn't pretty enough to be in some dumb high school sorority called Pi Theta Alpha or something like that. Elizabeth says Jessica looks fine and makes some dumb "Remember, I'm your twin, what does that mean for me" joke, like one of the ones you read inside a Hallmark card. Then the phone rings. It's Todd Wilkins who, of course, is calling for Elizabeth. I mean it would be Jessica but Todd's too nice to love her. I mean it's always for the gorgeous one, or ones, in the house. Note: Perfect size six figure, shoulder length blond hair, flawless skin, and, of course, you can't forget the dazzling aquamarine blue eyes, and five foot six height. I'm probably an inch shorter than the Wakefields, with strawberry-blond hair, green eyes, pale skin, definatley acne, with no freckles, which my chances of being a totally cute ginger, but I think I'm the same size. Oh yeah, and my feet are huge. In a crowd of kids in seventh grade I'm definitley not easy to spot which means no stalkers. Ha-ha!

OK, for those of you who can read between the lines, I was obviously extremely insecure, so insecure that I'd rather be A GINGER! I am shocked that I was so naive that I believed that gingers were people everyone thought were cute. I must not have ever watched South Park, which makes sense since I was only in seventh grade. At that time, I didn't even really understand most of the jokes on The Office, aside from "That's what she said!"

So anyway, Jessica picks up the phone. She thinks Todd wants to speak to her, but, nope, he wants to speak to St. Elizabeth. Jessica, like totally, wants Todd so she tells him St. Liz is in the shower, and she always takes a while, but how about we talk? After, like, flirting with Todd, she hangs up and tell Lizzie he called to speak to me, not you. For serious. So now that Liz is ticked, she goes off on Jessica for stealing her crush now and her sweater in the 2007 republished version cries in her room because-gasp!- Liz likes Todd too. For middle school reasons. Gosh you're a junior in high school and you think Todd likes you based on stuff junior high guys do to girls when they like them.

Even though I had yet to read 1bruce1, I knew Elizabeth was a saint. I also knew what a doormat she was. Meanwhile, although it's not written there, I was so disappointed by the absence of the tuxedo shirt. Mostly because I assumed since there were so many brand names in the republished books, I thought I would learn where to buy my own tuxedo shirt.

Damn, Liz, I thought you were smarter than that. I mean, seriously, he smiled at her in the lunch line and he asked for the chem homework. Totally junior high. Stuff I would want a guy to do to me in seventh grade, not when I'm sixteen. Anyway, everytime Todd talks to Elizabeth, Jessica shoves in. And of course, St. Liz wouldn't want to make Jessica mad, so she doesn't do anything about it. So Jessica knows Todd's not into her, so she hops into Rick Andover, a twelth-grade drop out's hot sports car. Rick takes her to Kelley's, the bar for trashy characters. They have a beer together, but when he tries to make out with her, Jessica cries. Worst yet, Rick starts a drunken fight, and the police have to take Jess home. Okay, right here, if you're standing, sit down. If you're sitting, LIE DOWN. Jessica tells the police SHE'S ELIZABETH. AND THE NOSIEST GIRL IN SCHOOL, CAROLINE PEARCE HEARS.

I'm sure you're all wondering how I was so well-versed in the romance rituals of the seventh grade. Here's the short answer: I had a boyfriend! Well, not really. You all know what I mean: a boy I "flirted" with, and every time there was a seven minutes in heaven party, we were always paired together to "avoid drama." Hilariously, we're currently in an actual relationship with each other, as in a high school relationship, which means it will basically be like seventh grade, but with more making out and actual dating. The things that happen over the years. And yes, I'm still very serious about you guys lying down when you hear that Jessica let the police think she was St. Liz. I wonder if the police car was as hot as Rick Andover's hot sports car. For some reason, when I read that, I thought sports car meant race car and the hot part was about the heat inside the car. And I don't mean sex.

At school, everyone whispers about Lizzie, and Bruce Patman tells her that what she did was so not Liz, yet so totally awesome. Todd is unsure about his crush now because he isn't sure that he can forgive her. I mean dag you only pulled some junior high moves on her. Get real! Liz confronts Jess and she (Jessica) cries. You know she has to preserve her reputation as a cheerleader. Liz is all like, "Oh Jessica I'm sorry but you know I'm still upset. "And that's the middle of the book. Then. at the football game, Bruce calls Elizabeth a pub crawler. Lizzie's humiliated, so Jess, in an attempt to show humiltity, tells Todd that she was the one with Rick Andover. Todd, with his naive junior high  brain, decides that Jessica is trying to protect Liz and kisses her in front of the whole school. Bruce trys to ask Liz to the dance so they can go all the way, but the class clown Winston Egbert saves her by asking her. She says yes. Todd and Winston come for the girls at the same time. Todd is sad that Liz is with Winston even though he asked Jessica instead of her, and Liz is sad because even though Todd is now the teen police of SVH, she still loves him. Winston is sad because he wants Jessica, even though she is a conniving little bee-yotch.  Jess is angry because she can tell Todd wants Elizabeth. She 's even angrier when Todd only gives her a kiss on the cheek. So she tells Liz Todd tried to FORCE HER TO MAKE OUT WITH HIM.

I'm giving my thirteen-year-old self points for pointing out two things about Todd:

  1. Todd has the brain of a naive junior high school boy.
  2. Todd acts like the teen police of Sweet Valley High.
But I have to take away points for the fact I obviously wrote this by memory, since I thought Jessica only claimed Todd tried to make out with her, when really she claimed he tried to DATE RAPE her. *facepalm*

AND LIZ BELIEVES IT BECAUSE WHY WOULD JESSICA LIE? So Todd calls and asks Elizabeth for a date and she blows it by hanging up. Later Rick tries to get Jessica and harrasses her and Todd punches his lights out because that's always the solution to violence. More violence. Then he and Liz kiss. Todd takes them home and he and Liz sort everything out and they laugh at Jessica and her crazy stunts. The next day at school, Liz convinces everyone Jessica's her after spreading the word that she write the gossip column for the Oracle and everyone follows tradition and throws Jessica in the pool.
Le Fin
I just love how monotonous I sound when I talk about the Toddpunch. And this was obviously after I found 1bruce1 at some point while I was writing this and completely plagiarized irinaauthor's recap of Double Love. I apologize on my tween self's behalf to you. Although, I think the Le Fin is a nice touch. So once again,



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