Elizabeth and Jessica are better than you. - SVH #2 Secrets [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Elizabeth and Jessica are better than you.

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SVH #2 Secrets [Jan. 31st, 2008|01:28 pm]
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Secrets
Secrets



Hi! This is my first recap so be gentle.
Edit: Sorry it took me so long! I got sick and then my computer broke.


I would like to say that upon reading the first 10 books of this series. I felt the need to make up a new word to describe Jessica's behavior. Here it is-"selfishosity".
Just in case you may wonder what I mean by Selfishosity-ometer.



The cover features Jess and Liz. Liz is totally invading Jessica's personal bubble and staring at Jessica in a shocked, vaguely disapproving way. Jessica is looking back at Liz cattily, because she wants to throw things like pencil erasers into her sister's gaping maw.



This takes place after Jess was thrown into the pool for being the author of "Eyes and Ears", even though she wasn't. I feel the need to mention that this was one of the few times the twin switching actually worked in Elizabeth's favor.

Walker House. So, Jess and her Entitlement Issues are bitching to Cara about How Eeevil it was of Liz to play such a nasty, nasty trick on her. How dare they throw her in a pool with her clothes on! Jess would've much preferred to be dunked nude, I guess. She, of course, conveniently forgets that she let everyone think Liz was partying hard with Tricky Dickie Andover aka Rick Andover, accused Todd of trying to attack her, and caused Slutty McWhoresalot aka Bruce Patman to ask Liz out. Frankly, I don't know which prospect is more horrifying.

Cara correctly points out that Jessica deserved such treatment and Jessica's Entitlement Issues immediately plots to replace Cara's shampoo with Tofu-Glo (and yes, I know that Tofu-Glo is much further on in the series, but it's one of my favorite B Plots!)

Jess whines that she couldn't figure out what to do with her hair. Oh, come on Jess! You gave us Daniella Fromage. Coat your hair in rubber cement or something!
Jess makes some vague threats that Cara is lucky they are at the Walker domicile, rather than the Wakefield abode. Why? Are the Wakefield carpets that hard to clean? If that's the case she can just push Cara in the pool and remove the ladders and diving boards and watch Cara drown while eating Milk Duds! (Oh, wait. That's me playing The Sims 2. Sorry.)

Cara tells Jess how sexy Jess looked, like Bo Derek. The funny this I have never seen 10, but I know exactly what they mean. (Apparently, they will be "updating" the SVH books to fit in with modern times. This makes me sad, because there's a book that Liz makes reference to Burt Reynolds being a hot date, and that totally brings to mind Reynolds in cowboy boots and Vaseline in Striptease)
Jess finally admits that it was kind of funny and proceeds to wax mentally poetic about how she's loved Slutty McWhoresalot since she was a freshman and how she hopes that he didn't see her Dunk of Shame. Apparently, Jess doesn't realize that Slutty McW likes his women wet and humiliated. Wow, that sounds absolutely filthy!

Jessica is desperate to be crowned Queen of the fall dance with Bruce. You know, this is something I've never understood about Jess. How many dances did SVH have? Is this some weird form of OCD where she feels the need to be Queen of every single dance?
The selfishosity-ometer is pinging at 1.

Elizabeth and Enid are baking cookies. Enid freaks the fuck out because she drops a measuring cup. Enid has been jumpy for the last two months and Liz hasn't said anything about this because she doesn't want to butt into Enid's business. Pardon me for a second, okay?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA!

Okay, I'm back.

Enid's upset beacause if Ronnie Edwards-the Duke of Douchebaggery-finds out about her sordid past he will HATE her!. Dude, they've been dating for TWO MONTHS!
So, two years ago Enid and George Wareen drank and did drugs together. This means that Enid was 13, if I remember correctly. They ended up hitting some kidand they both realize the error of their evil ways and have been clean ever since. Enid and George write supportive letters to each other. Ronnie will hate Enid for something she did when she was:
1. Under a great deal of stress
2. 13 years old. We all do stupid things when we're 13! I wore stretch pants!

I hate Ronnie. He's such a judgmental bastard. Enid paid her debt to society. For all intents and purposes she's a different person. Enid tells Liz her story of woe and Liz says the it's not a big deal and is confused why Enid wont tell the DoD about her past.

Ronnie is jellus, you guys! And George is coming in two weeks!

DUN DUN DUN!

Enid shows Liz the letter and says she can't have George visit because Ronnie will shit himself in Rage or something.
Is it just me or are these classic symptoms of an abusive relationship?
Enid makes Liz promise to never, ever tell and neither of them notice the letter has fallen to the floor.

While I was typing that sentence, Foreshadowing came by and beeped my nose. Hi, Foreshadowing!

Chapter Two
Jessica is sitting in French and Winston (O Winston! How I LURVE thee! Let me count the ways...)starts giving her shit and she feels the need to make herself look more attractive( I think it's another one of them thar' OCD things.)Jess has more important things to do like obsess over Slutty McW and the fall dance.

Lila comes up and bitches about how much she hates Ms. Dalton because her father is dating her and how she must be a gold digger. Lila mentions Ken Matthews' crush on Ms. Dalton, and I'm kind of wondering if she expects Nora to elope with Ken in Vegas or something.

Cara comes by and they talk about Kenton, or would that be Northews? Lila runs off happily because Cara tells her she got lead soprano, leaving Cara and Jess to moon over Slutty McW.Jess asks Cara about the DoD to win his influence for the fall dance and hates on Enid. Then her Whoredar picks up the stench of SluttyMcW and she runs off to stalk him.

Chapter Three
Jess tries to pull the crap about her being the loneliest girl EVAR! and Slutty McW pretty much laughs at her and suggests she date Winston Egbert, Jess pretends to lose her necklace and Slutty McW ditches her because the idea of helping another human being is repellent to him. Dick.

Winston offers to help, because he is the epitome of awesome. She tells Win it's no big deal and leaves Winston on the floor looking for a necklace that is not even missing. What a bitch.

Jess comes home pissed because Slutty McW didn't fall into her arms and confess his undying passion for her. Jessica makes bitchy remarks about Enid and Alice suggests that she might be OMG!Jellus and Jessica's Entitlement Issues start throwing darts at the perfidious matriarch. Jess obssesses over how lame Enid is and Alice mentions Steven bringing home Tricia Martin.

Jess doesn't care about Enid! In fact she cares so little about Enid that she ruins her sweater. Pre -Crazed Alice suggests that they eat it. This drives Jessica to tears and she totally invades Liz's privacy by sulking in her bedroom where she finds the Letter of Relationship DEATH!

The Selfishosity-ometer is pinging at 3

Jess goes downstairs to use Ned's Xerox machine for her own evil purposes.

Chapter Four
Todd and Liz are double-dating with the DoD and Enid. Todd wonders what's the deal because the DoD isn't his usual clingy, overly-possessive self and Enid is miserable.
Enid frets about the D0D and his Mommy issues.
Liz and Todd talk some more about Ronnie and then chalk it up to his being a douchebag.

The DoD and Enid are at Miller's Point and the DoD tries his best to make Enid feel like a dirty whore. Enid just wants to talk and Ronnie blathers about how people are liars, especially when it comes to love and everybody should believe what they hear and then he makes a snide comment about George.

Enid asks him how he found out and he says it doesn't matter, that she is a lying deceitful whore, and how dare she not tell him about something she probably wanted desperately to put behind her!

THEN HE FUCKING GRABS HER WRISTS AND FORCES HER TO LOOK AT HIM WHILE HE'S BERATING HER!!!!
WHAT!?

I honestly can say when I first read this I do not remember him being so rampantly misogynistic. It's actually a bit chilling.

Enid finally gets the ovaries to yank her wrists back and the DoD tells her he's taking her home.
Enid cries at home and thinks Liz betrayed her.

Chapter Five
Jessica is getting ready for a party at Lila's. Liz disses Lila. Fuck you, Elizabeth! Lila is awesome!Jess fishes for compliments from Liz and Liz leaves for her own room. Liz calls Enid and wonders why Enid won't talk to her. She calls again and Enid answers the phone all bitter and shit. Ronnie found out about the letters. He hates her blah blah blah. Liz is the only one who knew about the letters. Gonads and strife.

Jess hears the tail-end of the woe-fest and asks what's up. Liz spills the beans about the Letter of Relationship DEATH! and Jessica takes this opportunity to hate on Enid some more. Then she basically says that whoever told Ronnie should be canonized and leaves.
The selfishosity-ometer pinged in at 5.

Chapter Six
Lila is shoving a glass of wine at Jessica, proclaiming it to be "really good". Lila, sweetheart, I love you dearly, but you didn't even mention the name or the year. Jessica is surprised that George lets his daughter get away with throwing parties while he's away. Li, to her credit, admits that he doesn't know and it's his fault because he's out "running around" with Nora. I'm not surprised at all. Remember this is the man who after his daughter was so traumatized that she thought her counselor was trying to raped, sent for a woman she hadn't seen in 14 years! Someone really need to do a survey on who the worst Sweet Valley parent would be. It could be a slam book!

Jessica wants to stop talking about it, because it isn't about her. Jessica's Entitlement Issues nod approvingly. Cara wants to gossip about Enid and Ronnie. Dana comes around and for some reason wants to drink Pepsi to "save her pipes." It seems to me that fruit juice or water would be a better option than an acidic carbonated beverage, but I guess that's why I was never lead singer of my high school's rock band.

Cara suggests Jessica cheer Ronnie up and Jess declines because she's saving herself for Slutty McW-who isn't even coming because he had to whore himself on a nearby street corner a college party to go to.
Jess is angry because the guy she's been stalking for at least 2 years has the temerity to want to hang out with OLDER WOMEN, so she decides to sleaze on the DoD.
The DoD is at first incredibly rude, but then softens up as he disses Enid. Jessica hears the tal of woe about the Letter of Relationship DEATH! and feigns ignorance. Then she cons Ronnie taking her to the dance.

Chapter Seven
Everybody at SVH is atwitter about the Nora/Ken scandal. Elizabeth, Caroline, Lois, and Olivia are discussing this. Older woman/young man relationships are brought up.
Liz oh-so-sensibly asks if anyone had asked Ms. Dalton. Caroline asks why would she bother talking about it. Ummm, because it's not true? Oh yeah, and shut up Caroline! You garbage-digging sleaze! Guy makes a comment about Ms. Dalton that does not go over well and is summarily castrated by Liz and Olivia. Oh, he is not!

Ms. Dalton comes in and written on the board is "IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT A FRENCH KISS IS ASK KEN MATTHEWS". This is so lame. I would have written "VOULEZ VOUS COUCHET AVEC MOI? - KEN". Ms. Dalton freaks and Liz starts to wonder if their may be a grain of truth to the rumors.

ELizabeth gets all confrontational on Enid's ass and Enid is all bitchy about, asking if Liz expects Enid to believe her room was bugged. Now, that I think about it I'm kind of shocked that Jess never did that, especially after her attack of the crazies after Sam died. Jess would have made an awesome spy. Elizabeth offers to talk to Ronnie. Enid's like "You've done quite enough, say thankya," and storms off. Cara has been listening to this whole debacle and offers Liz a rather inappropriately cheery "Hi, Liz!"

Shut up, Cara.

Everyone at lunch is talking about Liz vs. Enid-The Maul-way in the Hallway! Jess mysteriously offers to chat up Enid, and for some bizarre reason it never occurs to Liz that her devious sister may be using this opportunity to further her own nefarious agenda. Stupid Liz.

Chapter Eight
Jess talks to Enid and basically tells her that Liz ratted her out to the DoD without actually saying so. I wish I had this skill, really I do!
Jess convinces Liz that she's going to the dance with Ronnie for Enid and Liz buys it. I would like to discuss some oceanfront property I have with Liz. I'd like her to buy it. Arizona isn't that far from Sweet Valley!

Chapter Nine
Liz is in the Oracle office chatting with Mr. Collins about the Letter of Relationship DEATH! Naturally, the Dalton/Matthews "scandal" is brought up. Mr. Collins is pissed because he LURVES Nora and people are jackasses. That and he wants to lay Liz down by the fire.

Oh, come on! I know I'm not the only one who hears "bomp-chick-a-bomp" during the Oracle scenes!

Liz asks Winston if he spilled the beans. Winston awesomely tells her that he promised George he would never mention it. He says that he would never tell a friends secret like that. Winston is truly one of the unsung heroes of Sweet Valley high. His character spoiled high school boyfriends for me.

Chapter Ten
Liz and Todd talk about how bad Liz feels. Todd calls bullshot on Jess wanting to help Enid. GO TODD! iT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY! NOT FOR REAL-REAL, JUST FOR PLAY-PLAY!
Todd correctly points out that Jessica cried rape on him and she should not be trusted and Todd mentions Halloween and he's boring.

Jessica is lurking in Elizabeth's room whining because she must clean her room. Liz kicks her out and tries to straighten things up. Liz finds the Letter of Relationship DEATH! and FINALLY comes to the conclusion that she would like to murder her sister.

Margo would never put up with this.

Chapter Eleven
Enid shows up at Ms. Dalton's place. Enid spills her guts. Nora defends Liz and Enid's all "I treated her like shit, so she probably won't talk to me".
Ms. Dalton gives some very sage advice, that for some reason she believes doesn't apply to her. Enid is justifiably upset by this hypocrisy and tells her that running away doesn't solve your problems and illustrates this point by running away.

Enid is getting ready for the dance, even if it kills her! Her mom tells her someone's at the door and for some reason Enid hopes it's Ronnie. Stupid Ronnie.
It's George! It's very cute the way Enid's all googly over him. They kiss and it's very sweet.

Chapter Twelve
Jess is still trying to convince Liz she's doing an act of charity by going with Ronnie to the dance. Liz isn't buying it. She's totally trying to screw with Jessica's head. Jessica disses Winston. YOU GO TO HELL AND DIE, JESSICA! Poor Win.
The dance: Liz lets Caroline in on a secret. Caroline promptly tells everyone and probably plots to steal their mail.
Ms. Dalton is their and it turns out Ken found out that Lila was the one spreading rumors. Nora and Roger are totally my SVH OTP.

Liz and Enid make up and Enid says that she should thank whoever told Ronnie. Don't let Jess hear that, Enid! The voting for king and queen starts...

and....

Chapter Thirteen
It's Jessica and Winston! Jess is not amused and threatens to resign until Elizabeth threatens to tell everyone what she did. Jess despairs over having to dance with Winston and I kind of want to punch her. It's okay, though! Obsession is not just a cologne and the book ends with her staring at Slutty McW. Remember him? The whole reason Jessica tried to ruin Enid's life. Ugh!

I really am curious to see how this book will fare in the updated version. I'd kind of like to think high school has gone beyond a girl's reputation being her greatest asset.
LinkReply

Comments:
From: (Anonymous)
2008-01-31 08:49 pm (UTC)

Weeeeeeeeeeee!

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I know I don't even have an LJ identity, but you're the only other person I've EVER heard mention gonads and strife, so for that alone I had to comment. It was the cherry on an already brilliant recap, I love your wordage. I never even read Secrets when I was a nipper, but I kind of wish I had from this post. I'm pleased there's more coming up. Great jorb!
[User Picture]From: tooimpurenangel
2008-01-31 08:55 pm (UTC)

Re: Weeeeeeeeeeee!

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Thank you so much!
[User Picture]From: JoeandDarcy LaVigne
2011-10-05 04:11 am (UTC)

Re: Weeeeeeeeeeee!

(Link)

Truly, it WAS excellent! Bravissima!
[User Picture]From: esc_key
2008-01-31 09:20 pm (UTC)

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Hi! This is my first recap so be gentle.
Hi! Welcome! Come in, share the snark. Can you please put paragraph breaks in your recap though? It's a bit hard to read.
[User Picture]From: tooimpurenangel
2008-01-31 09:36 pm (UTC)

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Crap I knew I was forgetting something! I'll fix it=)
[User Picture]From: forestgreenivy
2008-01-31 11:10 pm (UTC)

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LOL!!!!!!!! No seriously... I am LOLing in my college library right now. People think I am nuts.

Just great, brilliant, super. *applauds* There are too many of my favorite parts to mention, but that Sims one was near the top. LOL!!!

Create some SV Sims! Fabulous!!
[User Picture]From: tooimpurenangel
2008-02-02 03:31 am (UTC)

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I've always meant to, but I've never got around to it.
[User Picture]From: freejay
2008-02-01 03:43 am (UTC)

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This makes me sad, because there's a book that Liz makes reference to Burt Reynolds being a hot date, and that totally brings to mind Reynolds in cowboy boots and Vaseline in Striptease

Hahahaaa, oh my god, I'm gonna have that image permanantly scarred on my brain now.
[User Picture]From: tooimpurenangel
2008-02-02 03:30 am (UTC)

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I'm sorry=(
[User Picture]From: kishmish
2008-02-02 12:16 am (UTC)

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"IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT A FRENCH KISS IS ASK KEN MATTHEWS"

ahaha can't you just see Todd making a mental note to ask, because the nose kisses don't seem to be doing much with Liz:P Sweet Valley- where nobody knows where the parts are!:P or apparently, what to do with them.
[User Picture]From: tooimpurenangel
2008-02-02 01:09 am (UTC)

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LOL! Stupid Todd and his "connect-the-dots" kisses!
[User Picture]From: esc_key
2008-04-28 01:58 am (UTC)

Update Compare Contrast

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I just finished reading the "updated" Secrets. And then I came back and read the reap to see if I spotted changes. Well Enid and George's letters are emails now, which was an obvious change. And we've already been told that Lila's party is a martini-tasting now.

But I think this was the biggest change:

Ms. Dalton comes in and written on the board is "IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT A FRENCH KISS IS ASK KEN MATTHEWS". This is so lame. I would have written "VOULEZ VOUS COUCHET AVEC MOI? - KEN". Ms. Dalton freaks and Liz starts to wonder if their may be a grain of truth to the rumors.
In the new version there is a blown up picture of two people naked in bed together and Ken and Ms. Dalton's faces have been photoshopped onto them.

Oh and Enid doesn't go to her place--they meet at the grocery store buying lots of Hagen das.
[User Picture]From: svhhorseluvr
2008-05-06 09:36 pm (UTC)

Re: Update Compare Contrast

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A nude photo? that's a joke right?
[User Picture]From: esc_key
2008-05-06 09:50 pm (UTC)

Re: Update Compare Contrast

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Nope.
[User Picture]From: howvicious
2008-08-03 08:10 pm (UTC)

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Winston is truly one of the unsung heroes of Sweet Valley high. --->> I would go so far as to say that Winston Egbert is, like, the only truly good person in Sweet Valley, honestly. And even he is kind of stupid, with the whole being-in-love-with-the-worst-person-ever-because-she's-pretty-I-guess thing.
[User Picture]From: hanfastolfe
2009-08-21 08:45 pm (UTC)

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I hearted Winston as well when I read SVH in my misbegotten younger years XD and it always rankled that he never EVER got featured on the front covers of the books.

The way people act comes out even worse now that I'm reading these recaps; I imagine a lot of the sexual stuff was heavily couched in euphemism, this being a quasi-1950s book series printed in the early 1980s.
[User Picture]From: promisemewings
2008-08-05 01:41 am (UTC)

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I just got done re-reading this, and it kills me how much Bruce really isn't into Jess, but she keeps truckin' anyway.

Jessica is shallow, man.
From: (Anonymous)
2008-11-11 12:56 am (UTC)

Seniors in SVH?

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are there any seniors in SVH? i mean, shouldn't most of the dance nominees be seniors.and shouldn't the queens and kings of dances be seniors 2? i am so confused!
From: (Anonymous)
2013-01-03 01:15 pm (UTC)

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Damn, I hate Jessica more with every book. And I hate Ronnie more than Bruce. At least Bruce has an excuse to be a dick.
From: (Anonymous)
2013-09-11 03:49 am (UTC)

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Margo would never put up with this.

She should have shown up far sooner then she did....like in book one.