"Wine makes me feel sooooooo good."

We open at Fowler Memorial Hospital, where Elizabeth Wakefield is in a coma.  And how do we know she’s in a truly grave situation?  Because she has lost her tan.  I know.  The humanity.  Jessica sits by her hospital bed and sobs out how much she loves Liz, and begs Liz not to die.  A hot neurosurgeon comes in and tells Jess, “You must be her sister.  I can see a resemblance.”  They’re identical, dork.

Jess tells Hot Doctor the backstory on Liz’s coma, in case we haven’t read book six.  Which we haven’t.  So, it turns out that Todd had a motorcycle, but the twins had a cousin who died in a motorcycle accident so they’re not allowed to ride them.  Enid had a birthday party at the country club, and Jessica ditched Liz there, so Liz had no choice but to ride on Todd’s bike (although she could’ve called her parents for a ride, or a cab, or just about anything else, especially after she saw that Todd didn’t have a helmet for her, because what kind of moronic death wish do you have to have to get on a motorcycle without a helmet?).  Todd had just made a deal to sell his bike, so it was the last ride they’d ever take, so of course they got hit by an out of control van.  Van Driver (a gentleman apparently named Crunch MacAllister) and Todd walked away without a scratch, and poor, innocent Elizabeth is in a coma.

The doctor tells Jess that he can only do so much, but making Liz better is really up to her.  Uh huh.  He tells Jess that she can make Liz better by talking to her, and trying to reach her.  So Jessica, obediently following the directions as her mind has twisted them, does a complete 180 and spends the rest of the chapter berating Liz for having the nerve to be near death.  Doesn’t she realize Jess needs her!  She’s being so selfish!  Jess will hate her forever if she dies!  The doctor passes by again and is like, “Um?  That’s not exactly what I meant.  Just talk about school or whatever.”  Jess is properly chastened, and talks for a bit about how wonderful Liz is compared to her (true), and how much everyone loves Liz (true), and how much Jess sucks and is so irresponsible all the time (so true).  So she’s getting some self-awareness out of this ordeal, anyway.  Then Liz wakes up.  That didn’t take long.

The next day, Liz has a tantrum about her lack of tan.  I don’t know.  And then she blows off Todd when he comes to visit, but is outgoing and vivacious for the hot doctor.  Todd gets angry and leaves, telling Jessica, “I guess doctors are more interesting than basketball players.”  Well, probably smarter, anyway.

Liz has to stay home for two weeks, and she is bored.  Bored bored BORED!  And she doesn’t want to read, because reading is boring.  She wants to have a party!  And invite all the hot boys at school, but none of the girls!  Jess is scandalized, even though, secretly, you know it’s the kind of party she’s always wanted to have too.  She says, “We can’t do that!  Because then the girls would all hate us, and they’d stop inviting us to their parties, and boys almost never give parties, so we’d never go anywhere again!”

Liz grudgingly agrees to invite girls to the party, but when Todd stops by, she tells Jess to get rid of him.  Todd asks if Jess has noticed that Liz is acting differently, and Jess tells him off for daring to ever question anything about her sister.  There’s a brilliant aside during this conversation:

“Orders are orders,” Jessica insisted.  “Once Liz gets back to school, everything will return to normal.  You know how much she likes school.  She’ll probably have all the work made up and a dozen stories finished for The Oracle before I finish that one stupid book report on Moby Dick.  I mean, Todd, who really cares about whales?” Jessica asked in annoyance.

Todd did, but he let the comment slide by.

Hee.  Of course he did.  And they’re still writing book reports in eleventh grade in the Sweet Valley school system?

Liz goes back to school, wearing a green minidress that Mrs. Wakefield bought her.  Everyone thinks she’s Jess, and Jess, in her jeans and button down, is mistaken for Liz all day.  Todd bugs Jess some more about Liz dressing trashy, but Jess tells him off again.  Nobody had better question her sister!

That weekend, Liz blows Jess off to go shopping for a new string bikini, making Jess do all the setup work for the pool party.  Then, she flirts with all the guys there except Todd (who spends the whole time being a wallflower with Jessica, the two of them staring at Liz creepily for the entire party).  Liz’s newfound flirting skilz mean Jessica has to make sure everyone has enough soda and onion dip, which is apparently a gigantic pain.  Jess finally clues in that Liz is acting like she usually does, which seems to prompt some kind of pool party existential crisis:

            Elizabeth had somehow turned into her, Jessica!  She was even out-Jessica-ing her.  It couldn’t happen.  It must not be allowed to happen.

            If she’s Jessica, she agonized, then who am I?

The next night, over a family dinner, Mr. Wakefield announces that his friends, the Perceys, are going to Europe for two weeks and so their identical twelve year old twin daughters will be staying with the Wakefields.  The twins’ names are Jean and Joan, but let’s face it: they’re really Plot Device 1 and Plot Device 2, existing only to further highlight Liz’s downward spiral into Jessicahood.  The Plot Devices show up, and the Wakefields leave to play bridge.  Yeah, I don’t know.

Anyway, Liz puts on a micromini and ditches the kids to go on a date.  Jess has a date too, to the drive in to make out with a boy named Danny Stauffer (“Did I ever tell you about the front seat in Danny’s car?  It slides back and reclines and—and I probably don’t have to draw you a picture, do I?”) but when Danny shows up and Jess tells him they’ll have to bring the Plot Devices, he says, “No way.  I told you I planned to get to at least second base tonight.”  So, instead of just telling him to go away or rescheduling or something, Jessica decides the smart thing to do is to promise him some unidentified sexual favors to get him to take the girls to the movies:

            “Danny,” she said hesitantly.  “I’ll make it up to you.”

            “Make it up?  How?”

            Jessica knew she was getting in deeper than she wanted to, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself.  “Any way you want,” she finally said.

            “Yeah?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Okay!  Let’s go, munchkins.  You don’t look much like lucky charms, but that’s what you’re turning out to be.”

What a creepy exchange.  Anyway, the Plot Devices misbehave at the movie; they talk all the way through it and Danny has to spend a fortune on popcorn and soda and candy, and Jess is so fed up that she cries when she gets home.  She tries to talk to her parents, but in this book they’re probably the worst parents in the world in that 1980s sitcom tradition, and so they just praise how much they’ve noticed Jess is changing for the better, without giving any indication that they’ve noticed or have heard Jessica explaining that Liz is changing for the worse.

Then Liz wakes up crying from a nightmare and hugs Jess.  I don’t know.

At school, Enid (and I just have to say, what kind of name is Enid?  What?  Seriously?) tries to talk to Jess about Liz being a bitch to her.  Jess doesn’t even like Enid, but feels sorry for her and invites her to the Dairi Burger after school.  While they’re all there, Liz tries to steal Enid’s boyfriend.  Hee.

Liz flirts with Ken Matthews right in front of Susan, his girlfriend.  This becomes important later, sort of.  She also lies to the guidance counselor about having dizzy spells to put off doing her makeup work.  Then she complains to Winston Egbert about the gigantic history paper on the Punic Wars that she needs to turn in.  Eleventh graders are researching the Punic Wars in history, but still writing book reports in English?  What a strange school.  Winston got an A+ on the paper because he’s all into Carthage or something, so he tells Liz she can see his to copy the source list.  She puts her name on top and turns it in, because she’s stupid.  How could she think, in her wildest dreams, that she wouldn’t get busted for that?

Todd can’t make free throws anymore, because he’s so upset about Liz chasing every boy at school except him.  He worries that he won’t live up to his nickname, Wizzer Wilkins, at the game against Big Mesa.  Do they ever play any schools besides Big Mesa?  Actually, they played Palisades High in the first book, but I seriously think there might be only three high schools in their entire league.  At the game, Liz sits next to Ken Matthews and flirts with him the whole time, so Todd misses all his shots and then hits a Big Mesa player.  He gets benched, and the team tells the coach that his girlfriend used to be the nicest girl in school but now is a big old ho.  The coach benches Todd and tells him to use this time to fix his girlfriend, even though he’s just a sixteen year old boy.  Jeez.  Nothing like putting pressure on a kid.

Liz tries to steal Lila’s boyfriend.

Liz writes a fake notice in The Oracle that Ken Matthews’s girlfriend is cheating on him, and Mr. Collins kicks Liz off the paper for a breach of gossip column ethics.  Hee.  He also tells her, “Friends don’t dish each other applesauce.”  I was absolutely bewildered for a moment, before it dawned on me that he actually meant bullshit.  Mr. Collins helpfully tells Liz that she’s one messed up girl, and she storms out.

Liz’s parents bust her for the term paper and she’s grounded.  Then they yell at Jess for not stopping her from doing it.  See what I mean?  Worst parents ever.

Jess comes home from school and finds Todd sitting on their front porch.  He’s taken the Coach’s instructions literally, and is going to try to fix Liz’s head.  I don’t know what he imagines he’s going to do, but okay.  He and Jess pace, and Jess complains that, instead of asking her out, boys are always asking her to put in a good word for her easy sister.  Very sensitive, to say that to the girl’s boyfriend.  And also, way to have your priorities in line.  Liz pulls up on a motorcycle with Max Dellon, lead guitarist of the Droids, Sweet Valley High’s hottest band, and Jess threatens to tell on her, but at least she’s wearing a helmet this time.  Todd chases the motorcycle down in his Datsun (that Datsun sure gets a lot of action), grabs Liz’s wrists, physically pulls Liz off of the bike, and stuffs her in the car.  Max doesn’t even try to stop him; he’s just like, “Hey, man.  Ease off.  Oh well.”  Liz is like, “Freak!  You’re kidnapping me!” – which he is – and tells him to take her home. He tries to talk to her, but she blows him off.

Jessica drives the Plot Devices to a flute audition because Liz is grounded, gets a speeding ticket, and dents the car.  Then she sees Danny making out with another girl.  Who’s Danny?  Exactly.  I don’t even know why he existed in this book, but apparently he’s not too interested in claiming Jess’s marker for taking the kids to the movies.  Anyway, she cries.

Lila has a party where people are supposed to come alone, in costume, and pick people up.  The twins beg their parents to let Liz go; they protest that she’s grounded which means no dates, and Jess points out that this is a pickup party, so Liz won’t be going with a date, so the parents give in.  Wow.  Because she stole Winston’s term paper, she was too grounded to drive those kids to their audition, but not grounded enough to stay home from a costume party?  Way to practice consistent discipline with your teenaged daughters, Ned and Alice.  You guys are practically parents of the year. 

The twins dress like matadors for the party (Seriously?  Matadors?  Okay….).  Jess and Todd stand on the sidelines and watch Liz some more.  This time, she dances and flirts with Bruce Patman, who thinks she’s Jessica until Max-with-the-motorcycle points out his mistake.  They make out, and Bruce takes a small bottle out of his pocket and offers Liz a drink.  She swigs the airplane Jim Beam or whatever, and Bruce tells her to take it easy.  Then he thinks, “She’s in my power!”  Creeeeeepy.

They ditch the party for Bruce’s dad’s beach club, and make out in the 1BRUCE1 Porsche.  Bruce wants to take a blanket down to the beach and get freaky, but Liz wants to go inside with the rest of the kids and have some more booze, because she’s a drunk now in addition to being a hoor.  So Bruce reaches behind the driver’s seat and pulls out an open bottle of warm wine and a paper cup.  A PAPER CUP.  What a prince.  How hilariously prepared of him.  This book is so awesome.

Bruce plans to get her drunk and sex her up, but Todd shows up in his trusty Datsun, pulls Bruce out of the Porsche, and knocks him out with one punch.  What a badass.  Then he just leaves Bruce lying on the ground and loads Liz into his car.  She slurs her words and passes out while he buckles her up, all from a couple swallows out of an airplane bottle and a Dixie cup of wine.  Wow.

Sensitive surfer Bill Chase asks Todd’s permission to ask Liz out on a date, because he’s always been in love with her from afar but never did anything because he’s friends with Todd.  Todd is all passive aggressive about it, but eventually says, “It’s not my business who she goes out with.”  Except for how, every time she tries to go on a date, he chases her down, yells at/punches out her companion, and then physically forces her into his Datsun.  Did I mention how much I love this book?

Bill asks Liz out for Saturday, and she says yes.  But then Bruce asks her out too (for SEXING) and she says yes.

Bill shows up on Saturday, and Jess begins to make excuses for why Liz is gone (Jess thinks she’s spending the night at Enid’s) but then a glimmer of the old Jessica returns and she runs upstairs, telling Bill that Liz will be right down.  She changes into Liz’s clothes and comes back down, smiling demurely.  You see, Jess once asked Bill to a Sadie Hawkins dance, and he told her he couldn’t make it.  Nobody says no to Jessica Wakefield, and now she’s going to be able to wreak her revenge.  Bill and Jess are only at the Beach Disco for about ten minutes before he starts vowing his undying love, which is not at all creepy, and Jessica smiles and tells him that she thinks he actually loves her sister.  Bill is like, “Jessica?  That’s stupid; she sucks.”  Hee.

Meanwhile, at the Patman beach house of iniquity, Bruce and Liz are making out.  Bruce touches her breast, which was HUGELY scandalous to me when I was eleven, but she goes with it.  He’s all excited because Liz hasn’t ever made a secret out of the fact that she hates his guts, so once he sleeps with her he’s planning to brag to everyone at school.

Sidebar: why do the Patmans have a beach house in the same town where their actual house is?  They just like having another mansion a convenient ten minute drive away?  Weird.

So he leaves her on the bed and goes downstairs to get some wine.  Liz decides to refresh her makeup before he gets back, trips on the rug, and smacks her head on a table.  That smack is enough to set all to rights, because suddenly she is the same old Elizabeth, good and responsible and confused as hell about what she’s doing in this room.  She’s even more surprised when Bruce shows up again.  She’s all, “Wha?” and he pours her a glass of wine, saying, “Have a slug of this and you’ll be fine.”  Classy.  Needless to say, she's not having any of it.

Bruce is furious at losing out on the sexing (and the post-coital gloating too, or perhaps that most of all) and Liz has no idea how she even wound up at his house, but she’s positive she never would’ve gone there willingly, so she accuses Bruce of kidnapping her.  No, Liz, that’s Todd’s specialty.

And then, Bruce turns into an attempted rapist:

            “Let me out of here!”

            “Oh, no, you don’t.  You’re going to give me what I want, what you promised.”

            “I didn’t promise.  I couldn’t have!  Get out of my way!”

            Bruce grabbed her and pulled her close.  He tried to kss her, but she turned her face away and pushed with all her strength against his shoulders, trying to free herself.  Roughly he seized her wrists, and she was helpless.

            “I’ve got real strong hands, Liz,” he said.  “From tennis, see?  Now, you listen to me.  You give me what I want, or I’ll tell this whole thing all over school.  You want that?  What would all your friends think of you then?”

Scary.  And, also, wasn’t he planning to tell it all over school anyway just two pages ago?  Bruce forces her to kiss him, and Liz bites his lip.  Suddenly he’s a big old wimp, holding his lip and crying and not being a rapist anymore.  Liz tells him that if he tells anyone they had sex, she’ll tell everyone about the attempted rape, and she runs for it.

Outside, she runs into Todd.  I have no idea what he was doing there, but it’s awfully convenient, isn’t it!  Todd is like, “Oh, Liz, I can tell by the light of sincerity in your eyes that you are back to normal!”  She tells him Bruce tried to rape her, and Todd takes her directly to the police station so Elizabeth can file charges.  No, I kid.  Actually, Todd tells her, “Well, whatever.  You’re safe now,” and they make out.

At the Beach Disco, Bill keeps insisting, “I don’t love Jessica, I love you!”  Jess finally tells him, “Then you do love Jessica, because that’s who I am!”  Instead of telling her off for impersonating her sister on a date with him, Bill dopily thinks, “Huh.  Then maybe I do love Jessica!”  Well, we couldn’t hope for much, brain-wise.  He is friends with Todd, after all.

The End